My brother and my mum are driving me crazy!

my little brother is always annoying me and there is nothing wrong! and also my mum keeps getting ocd at me with every thing i do please help me.

amber

EWAN SAYS

Hi Amber,

Little brothers can be REALLY annoying, can't they? And so can little sisters, for that matter... and older brothers, and older sisters.... Really, my point is that brothers and sisters have always got on each other's nerves from time to time, and always will. It just seems to be an unavoidable fact of family life that this kind of thing happens sometimes. I'm sure if I asked your brother he would say you were annoying too!

But don't worry - that doesn't mean I'm saying he hasn't done anything wrong. What it means is that there might not be much I can suggest, or you can do, to make him less irritating to you. So, instead of focusing on him, often the best way is to focus on yourself instead. Make sure you get enough time to yourself (whether that's at home or out of the house), just to have a bit of peace and do something you like. It might be reading, singing, skydiving or going for a walk; it doesn't matter what, as long as it relaxes you. Not only will you be taking yourself out of the stressful situations, but you'll also be surprised how much easier it is to cope with annoying stuff at home if you know that you've got a little escape now and then.

Also, you said that your mum "keeps getting OCD at you" - so I'm not really sure whether you meant she actually suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, or just that it feels that way sometimes. But either way, the same probably applies to her as to your brother: even if you can't change her behaviour, you can change how much of an effect it has on you.

Take care, Amber,

Ewan.

My brother's accident seems to have changed him and I don't know what to do

Two years ago my brother was in a serious car accident, hes doing well but still has some mobility disfunctions, Ive tried my best to look after him through this as recently my aunt had a car accident with a lorry and my mum spends alot of time up at the hospital. So she doesn't have as much time as she used to. Im scared for my brother as his behavior changed after the accient and he seems to have serious anger problems, im not sure my mum has seen this, what should I do? Leave it and see how my brother goes or tell my mum what I think, although if I did that I dont think I would know what to say as shes not home much anymore.

Ceri

SAM SAYS

Hi there Ceri,

From what you've said in your letter it seems as though there are a couple of things going on for you. Firstly you're having to deal with the responsibility of looking after your brother following his accident and secondly you're dealing with it more or less alone now that your mum is helping look after your aunt. That must all be quite hard on you and we're sorry to hear that you're feeling quite isolated and unsure about how to handle your brother's behaviour.

You say that your brother's accident was two years ago so you've obviously been dealing with his anger problems for quite a while now, it's no wonder that you're starting to feel the strain of it! Sometimes people's behaviours can change after accidents because there's actually been some kind of injury to the parts of the brain that control mood and emotion. Other times people's behaviours can seem to change purely as a result of how their lives have changed and their feelings and frustrations around that.

Either way it seems as though he and you are both in need of some help in dealing with his anger.

I'd definitely recommend talking to your mum as, even though she's looking after her sister at the moment, she's still mum to both of you and would want to know if either of you are struggling with things. It may be that as you're the one spending most time with him you've noticed this first so it's important that you talk to mum about this so that you can come up with some ideas to cope together. Perhaps before you talk to her, think back to some specific examples of when he's got angry and how this is different to how he'd have reacted before the accident. People often find it easier to understand things if they've got concrete examples to listen to.

It may be that your mum and brother need to go back to his doctors and talk to them about how he's feeling - it is normal for people to experience things like mood swings and anger or depression after accidents, even the most minor type so it's nothing for your brother to feel embarressed or awkward about.

He's certainly lucky to have you looking out for him and I hope you get some help soon,

Sam

Can I be my friend's carer?

Hi, I'm 16 and I have a friend who suffers from many mental illnesses. I would like to see what I can do about being her carer but I'm not sure how to go about it. Please help!

Lauren

EWAN SAYS

Hi Lauren,

Well, there are a few different ways you could think about this. You said you would like to be her carer - did you mean you would like that to be your actual job, that she pays you to do? If so, then it might well depend on how disabled she is by her mental health conditions. The best thing to do would be for her to get in touch with her local Social Services department, who can look at what support she needs and whether they can provide her with any money to pay somebody to help her out.

If you were just talking about helping to look after her at the same time as doing other stuff (like going to college, working etc) then there's nothing stopping you doing that whenever you want. But it's worth remembering that you do need to look after yourself as well. So, firstly, that means make sure you've got enough time in your life for stuff you enjoy - seeing other friends, relaxing, playing sports, reading, or whatever else you like doing. And secondly, it's well worth making sure you keep up with school or college, even if it's just for another year or two. Think about it this way: you won't have to look after your friend forever, and when things change, you'll be very glad that you got some qualifications as well.

The other side of it is about whether you could get any support from carers' services (like our website, or like a local young carers' project near you) because of caring for your friend. Actually, we looked into this recently, and there are definitely some young carers' projects who would still count you as a carer even though it wasn't a member of your family. That would mean you could meet other young carers in groups, take part in activities and get support from a worker. On the other hand, though, there are quite a few that wouldn't count you as a young carer at all. So, I suppose it all depends on where in the country you live. Why not try having a search on the internet for your nearest carers' centre and asking them?

Hope that's useful, Lauren - whatever you decide, good luck with it!

Ewan.

My mum's depression is really hard on me

My mum has depression and it keeps getting worse, and has to keep getting stronger tablets but there not working. Now all my dad is concerned about is keeping her happy.

I have to look after my three year old sister and one year old brother all the time, due to my mum not being able to. She would just flip out and shout at us. Or break down into tears. I don't know how much more I can do for her. She shouts at me for wanting to do my coursework. I don't know what I should do.

Smurf

SAM SAYS

Hi Smurf,

I'm really glad you got in touch with us. It sounds as though you're really very isolated at the moment and are feeling as though things are completely on top of you in terms of juggling your mums needs with your own.

Depression can be very hard to live with, both for the person suffering with it and their family and it's ok for you to feel frustrated and upset by it all. Your mum's illness is making her behave in ways which are probably not how she would really like to treat you at all but of course even knowing that probably doesn't make things any easier for you....

So, a couple of suggestions for you. Firstly have you talked to your dad about how you are feeling? Although he's obviously going to be worrying about your mum I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be feeling so under pressure. It might be that he can find someone else to help look after your brother and sister for a bit to give you a break or make sure he takes over at weekends so you get some time to yourself then.

Also does school know about your home situation? If they do then there may be some things they can do to help such as giving you extra time to get work in or giving you some study time at school. Even having them understand why you might be feeling tired or upset can be helpful!

Good luck with it all and we hope it improves a bit for you soon,

Sam

How do I tell my friends I'm bisexual?

hello, well im 15 now, and when i was 14, i started to realise i liked the same sex, but i still liked the oppisite sex, ( im bisexual) and i still haven't got the trust to tell a 2 of my best friends, ive told 1 and she was okay with it, but my other friends they arn't really the bisexual/gay lovers, and i really don't know what to do, they also take the micky out gay people.

how can i bring myself to telling them

Catt

SAM SAYS

Hi there Catt,

Sharing personal information about ourselves is always a choice that we have to make and it often depends on the reaction we think we're going to get so it's only natural that you'd be thinking very carefully about this.

I'm sorry to hear that some of your friends havn't got a very positive attitude towards gay or bisexual people - they probably don't realise just how difficult that might make things for people around them.

One thing that interests me is why you feel you want to tell these particular friends? You said you've already told one close friend who was ok with it so that's really good news but making an announcement about your sexuality isn't compulsory, after all, not many straight people do it! It's usually the case that we form relationships with people and that pretty much tells everyone else for us!

I'm not suggesting you keep your feelings a secret - just that it's worth thinking about whether you'd want to deal with people's negative reactions to you or whether it's something that you can let people work out for themselves over time. After all, if you occasionally talk about girls who you think are attractive or you challenge them next time they say something negative about bisexuality it won't take them long to work it out for themselves!

Have you talked to the friend you have who was supportive of you? If you do decide to tell your other friends it might be a good idea to have her with you for moral support! Have a chat to her about your worries and see what she thinks about their reactions then you can come up with a plan together.

Just remember that this is your choice and you only need to tell people if and when you're ready!

Good luck Catt,

Sam

My brother drives me mad!

My brother annoys me so much that i want to kill him. when he talks to me i scream at him and hit him. how do i deal with this stupid boy? He does it even though he knows i am faster and WILL catch him and hurt him. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!???

Mel

SAM SAYS

Hi there Mel,

Wow, you sound pretty annoyed at your brother! From your letter it doesn't sound as though the two of you get on at all...

We were wondering if this has always been the case, if it's something in particular you find annoying about him or if perhaps he has an illness or condition that makes him behave in ways you find hard to deal with?

The answers I'd give you really would depend on which of these are the case.

Brothers and sisters often don't get on well together - feeling as though you want to strangle your sibling is a pretty normal part of growing up together to be honest! If it's simply a case of him doing things which you find hard to put up with then have a think about what you can do to remove yourself from the situation, take time out, talk to a parent about how it makes you feel, go out for a walk or put your music on and close your bedroom door - whatever you can do that puts you in a separate space to him!

It does sound as though you get pretty angry and lash out at him so I'd also suggest having a think about ways to reduce your anger and calm yourself down when you can feel yourself start to react to him. You may not be able to control his behaviour but you can control how you react to it. You might want to try shutting yourself away, closing your eyes and counting to ten, you might find that thumping a pillow rather than him helps, or that laughing at what he's doing rather than letting the anger build up is helpful. I'm sure you can find some other strategies to try too!

Finally, it might be that your brother has a condition which makes him behave in certain ways. As frustrating as that can be it does mean that you simply have to find ways of managing it - it's worth talking to your parents or any other adults who know him well about how they deal with him and what might help you to cope with him better.

And one last suggestion, if there are times when you do actually get on and can sit down and have a conversation together then do! Tell him that you don't like feeling so angry at him, that you want to enjoy being around him and see what he has to say about it all - you might be surprised!

Good luck with it all Mel,

Sam

How do I balance my life with being a young carer?

i do a lot of looking after my phisical handycapt sister! But i work to pay rent and want a life as well but i cant do it all! I wanted to go to college but im having a year out cuz i dont think ill be able to cope with it all.

what can i do?

Zoe

SAM SAYS

Hi there Zoe,

Firstly it sounds like you've been doing a really good job of balancing things at home and your own work and college. It's not easy at all to juggle a college course and a part time job and that's without caring for your sister too so it's completely understandable that you'd be finding it all a bit tricky.

You say you've already made the decision to take a year out and it sounds as though you've thought about it carefully.

A few things spring to mind - firstly it seems as though you've got quite a lot of responsibility for your sister so I'm wondering who else is around and who could help take some of that responsibility from you? Does your family have a social worker or community nurse who you could talk to about the care you are currently providing for your sister? It sounds as though you are over 16 so you would also be entitled to something called a Carers Assessment - this is when someone from Social Services visits you and finds out what things would be helpful to you - this might be extra help for your sister so that you have more free time for example. It's worth having a think about what exactly would help you most and who could possibly help you with those things.

Regarding college - it's a really good idea to talk to staff at the college you're hoping to go to about your home situation to let them know how it might affect your studies. There is lots they can do to support you and help you to get your qualifications but only if they know what kind of help you might need! So, perhaps that would be extra time to get work done, or extra study support - again have a think about what exactly you're worried about and then have a talk to them.

Finally, don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes we can't do everything we think we should be able to and that's ok - you're not superhuman and it's fine to ask people around you for help now and then!

Good luck with it all,

Sam

I've fallen for a guy on MSN

hello i am in a very tricky promlem and dont no what to i think i may be in love with a guy i have met on msn but he has a girlfriend and i really dont no what to do pleace help me!

leah

EWAN SAYS

Hi Leah,

It does seem like quite a tricky problem from your point of view. To be honest, it's always hard to know what to do when you fall for someone, even if they are single and available!

But really, I have to say, this might be an easier situation than it seems. The thing is, if he is with somebody else already, then he has made his choice. I know it's hard to accept, but no matter what our own feelings are, we can't use them to interfere in somebody else's relationship. Apart from anything else, it nearly always goes wrong and causes bad feelings all round.

The other thing, of course, is that you mentioned that you have met him on MSN. A lot of people fall for people who they have only met over the Internet, and sometimes it works out fine... but the problem is, at other times it doesn't. The fact is, it can be really dangerous to try to get involved in person with somebody who you only know from the net. It is never something we would recommend, unless you always take friends with you, and make sure that parents etc know exactly what you are doing and who you are meeting. I'm not saying this bloke is necessarily a criminal or anything... but on the other hand, we already know that he has a girlfriend and yet has allowed another girl to fall in love with him over MSN. That alone is enough to set the alarm bells ringing for me.

I'm sorry about the worry that you are probably going through about this. It doesn't sound fun for anybody! But really, what I'm trying to say is that it sounds like a situation that could easily get more upsetting for you if you tried to pursue it further. And you deserve better than that!

Take care, Leah,

Ewan.