My parents think I'm too young to have a boyfriend

Hi, I'm 15 and I have a boyfriend before and I didn't tell my parents but they found out and got really angry with me and confiscated my phone and now I have another boyfriend which is the same age as me, but I don't want to tell my parents because Inow that they will get angry with me and they said that I'm to young for that. What can I do to keep it secret from them or ket them around that I am old enough?

Helen

EWAN SAYS

Hi Helen,

Phew, this sounds like a tricky situation! Normally the idea of having a boyfriend (or a girlfriend, or a whatever-friend!) is that it's something that makes you both happy - so it's a shame when there are all these stresses and complications around it. And parents not approving definitely ranks up there in the top ten of partner problems - so you're certainly not alone!

It looks to me as though there are actually two different problems going on here. Firstly there's the issue of whether they think it's the right thing for you to have a boyfriend. Parents can be quite hard to persuade about this kind of thing (after all, in their eyes, it was only a couple of weeks ago that you were out of nappies!) - but not necessarily impossible. It's important to try and have a think about what exactly their worries are, and talk to them about those. Help them to see you know what you're getting into, you understand things like sexual health (and if you don't, now's a good time to find out - have a look at www.bbc.co.uk/slink ) and you're not going to be doing anything that risky. But also make it clear that, just because there's someone else in your life, it doesn't mean you're not their daughter any more, and you'll still see plenty of them.

The other problem, though, is that you tried to keep it a secret in the first place. I'm sure you've experienced this yourself: if there's something you're not happy about, it's made ten times worse when people try to keep it a secret from you. Parents are just the same - when they found out that you'd kept the last boyfriend a secret, their feelings were hurt. And they probably also started worrying about what other things might be going on that they don't know about. So, if you want to try and get them on board with the fact that you're old enough to have a boyfriend, honesty is almost certainly the best policy.

And I can't believe I just wrote that phrase. Good lord, I really must be getting old...

Good luck Helen,

Ewan.

How can I go to University and have my own life?

i'm 18 and meant to be leaving for university in a few months, i have been offered my dream place and a scholarship, but right now i don't think i can take it up.

My mum has MS and she is having a bad patch again, so even more than usual i'm doing a lot for her (which i dont begrudge) but i'm not even getting time to revise properly, i have younger sisters who do nothing, and a boyfriend who doesnt understand my responsibilities. i want to go to uni, but i cant leave her, because i cant see that anyone will take over my share, and everytime i want to talk about it they dismiss it by saying "it'll be fine" but it so blatantly wont be. i have no idea what to do, and it's driving me mad. thanks. Kate

SAM SAYS

Hi Kate,

First of all congratulations for getting into Uni and getting a scholarship too, that's a great achievement, especially considering your extra responsibilities at home. I think it's great that you've made some plans for your future and are trying to find ways of making them happen - we know it's often really hard for young carers to plan ahead and think about their own lives in the middle of worrying about everyone else.

It sounds as though you're doing the bulk of the caring for your mum at the moment due to her MS relapsing? I can see how it must be very difficult to think about leaving when that's the case but it's worth remembering the times when it's not so bad and she and the rest of the family can manage...

It's interesting to hear that when people say "it'll be fine" you feel as though they're dismissing it - have you thought that perhaps they're trying to reassure you that when you're not there other people will step up and do what you've been doing all this time? It's sometimes easy, when someone is doing a great job, to sit back and let them get on with it and this might be what's been happening up till now with your sisters. I'm sure that if you're not there they won't just sit and watch your mum struggle!

It sounds as though you're the oldest in your family and used to being "the responsible one" and it can be very hard to let go of this, even if you want to. To some extent you have to take a deep breath and let them get on with it - no-one, least of all your mum, would want you to put your whole life on hold because of her illness.

I wonder if you have any other support at home though? Does your mum have help from the local hospital's MS nurse? Have you contacted the MS society at all? They have advisors you or your mum could talk to and who can give you both some support around this time of change for you all. Their website is http://www.mssociety.org.uk

As for your boyfriend, well it can be very hard to understand just what it's like to not only have to help in practical ways at home, but also to live with the worry of someone having MS. Really the only thing you can do is to keep talking to him, explaining to him and ask him to understand that perhaps he won't always come first. It might be hard for him but if he really cares about you he'll try to understand!

Even once you get to University you can still phone home / visit at weekends / come back in the holidays. It's worth letting your tutors know about your home situation as that way, if you're needed suddenly, they'll be aware of what's going on and be able to give you some extra time and support with your workload.

Remember, you're important too and it's ok to want to build a life for yourself!

Sam

How can I tell my mum I'm engaged?

My mum cant turn properly and has 2 of the disks in her back gone, so it's hard for her to walk and that. She also can suffer from depression and it's kind of hard to tell when it's the right time to tell her something that's going on in my life.

I've been going out with my boyfriend now for nearly 9 months, and he's asked me to marry him, i said yes but i have no idea how to tell my mum. Plus she doesn't really like him all that much. Which is pretty stressful for me to live with.

How can i bring myself to tell her?

Jenn

EWAN SAYS

Hi Jenn,

Well, firstly - congratulations! Although it sounds like a pretty stressful situation at the moment, it's important to remember (like we say to all young carers) that your own life is important too. And this sounds like fantastic news for you, so I say: celebrate!

But of course, that's not the whole story. I can understand why you'd be worried about talking to your mum about it, as it might bring up a few different issues for you and for her. What will happen if and when you move out? How will you organise a wedding? How can you both come to an agreement about your boyfriend and the fact that your mum hasn't liked him that much up to now? It's complicated stuff, certainly. But with subjects like this, the worry is often worse than the actual dealing with it. You could spend months worrying about how to talk to your mum about it, how she might react and what might happen. But in the end, the only way you'll find out is to actually do it.

Here's something that's often quite useful if you're trying to bring yourself to talk to someone about something: Do something in advance that commits you to going through with it. For example, one morning when you're on your way out, just mention "Oh, by the way, can you remind me to talk to you about something tonight?" Or if that's too hard, you could even leave a note, or send a text message. That way, the decision will already be made, and it'll be harder to get out of it!

Hope it goes well for you anyway, Jenn. Good luck!

Ewan.

I feel awful because of my spots

hey...i have scars and mild spots alll over my face and it has been like this for years. i have used soo many creams and treatments and i am loosin hope any will actually work. doctor sed all of it will go afta 3months and tht was 3years ago. i really hate myself...i cant even talk about guys coz im so scared they will find out and then make a nasty comment on the way i am..(as its happened before)...wat can i do???

jordin

EWAN SAYS

Hi Jordin,

Well, firstly, well done for daring to write about this! With things like spots (and other stuff that affects our image of ourselves), the last thing we normally feel like doing is talking to people about it - so you've done really well there.

Firstly, I hate to say something really obvious, but you might have noticed that this site is here just for young carers. We can't give you medical advice, and we wouldn't know where to begin even if we were allowed to! The reason I'm saying that is because really, the very best plan would be to speak to a doctor again as they're the only people who can give you the facts about what's happening for you. OK, maybe they're not right 100% of the time (like the one you spoke to 3 years ago), but if you were to go back now and say "This has gone on for three years," then that information would probably really help them to work out what's going on with your skin. It's certainly true that most of the creams and lotions you can buy make very little difference- but doctors know about the things that really do work.

But it sounds as though this has really affected your confidence. You said that someone made a nasty comment about you before... well, if you have a look at some of the other letters we answer here, you'll see that people get nasty comments made about them for all sorts of reasons. If someone wants to pick on someone else then they'll use any excuse they can find. If it hadn't been your skin, chances are it would have been something else. So, if there are people making you feel bad, don't let them into your life. Spend time with people you enjoy spending time with - both male and female! - and you'll find they don't even notice your skin worries.

Take care,

Ewan.

My family just argue with each other..

i look after ma mam and ma 2 bros and all they do is fight and it gets annoying how do i tell them to stop without making them think i dont care for them plz help

Sarah

SAM SAYS

Hi Sarah,

Life in your house does sound as though it can get quite difficult! Living with people who argue a lot, whether it's parents or brothers and sisters, can be pretty upsetting and stressful and, as you've discovered, it can also be really hard to get them to see how much their behaviour affects other people.

Unfortunately there isn't really a quick answer to how to get them to stop arguing with one another - sometimes people find it impossible to see someone else's point of view, or in fact some people enjoy having arguements.

However it does sound as though you're finding it hard and that means trying to find ways of dealing with it. I wouldn't recommend you getting in the middle of it when there is an argument actually happening as it's pretty unlikely that anyone will stop and listen. What might be worth trying is to talk to them all individually, when things are calm and perhaps the others aren't around and explaining how it makes you feel when they argue and why you'd like them to try to argue less. Also, try talking to your parents - they are the grown ups in the household after all and should be able to come up with some ideas of how to reduce the arguing!

And don't worry about them thinking that you don't care about them - the only reason this annoys you is because you DO care about them and I'm sure they'll realise that too.

One other thing which is pretty important for you is time away from it all! Caring for people in your family is hard enough, let alone when they spend the time arguing with one another. So, do you have friends houses you can go to, or can you take yourself into your room - plug some headphones in and listen to music really loud - anything that means you're not having to watch or listen to all that fighting going on!

Hope that helps a bit,

Sam

I feel so angry

i realy need help, there is something in my brain that is eating the nice part of me i swear! i used to b a nice girl who loved sch and life, but now i h8 everything, absalootly everything! i have moments were someone will say or do summin lil and i will go of on one and lash out, i used to cry if i hit someone coz i felt guilty! but now i dont feel ne emotion but anger. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! I DONT UNDERSTAND Y I AM LIKE THIS I H8 IT!

Anji

SAM SAYS

Hi Anji,

You know sometimes it's ok to feel angry, sometimes life can throw some real rubbish at us and we can find ourselves in situations that are really very unfair so the first thing I want to say to you is try not to feel guilty on top of feeling angry!

Feeling moody and angry is also quite normal when you're a teenager. As I'm sure you know hormones can kick in and cause all sorts of mood swings, from happiness to sadness to anger.

Have you had a think about whether there are any particular times or situations that make you feel this way? Sometimes it's a good idea to keep a mood diary over a couple of weeks or so to help you track when exactly you are feeling this way - perhaps writing each day in red pen in a diary what made you feel angry or when you feel like kicking off. Once you've got a better idea of when you have these feelings you'll be much closer to sorting them out. It will help you to predict the situations or people that make you feel this way and then you'll be able to find other ways of dealing with those feelings. It might help you to find someone you're close to and sit down with them to think about different ways of handling these situations.

Anger is simply your body's reaction to strong feelings so if you can have a think about other ways to cope with things you know "trigger" you you'll be better prepared to deal with it.

You're not a bad person for feeling this way, you just need to work out what's causing these feelings and find a different way to manage them.

I hope that's given you some ideas to try out, good luck!

Sam

Why do I end up getting blamed for trouble?

hi, theres these girls that realy wind me up and i got mad and was swinnging my arms around and acidentally slapped one, i got in trouble and that is no prob now. but i am sooo stressed again because the school rang mum and said i was not entirley to blame it was this girl to! my mum told her mum and her mum was really angry at me.

This was in the car cos they saw mum and wanted another moan and what got to me real bad is that the girl has done stuff wrong and all the way through that she said nothing and never admitted it and i told her at school and she had a go at me! i had the guts to tell my mum that i had a temper tantrum and i knew that it was wrong but i still did tell her.(the tantrum was not entirley all me)

thanx from imogen!

SAM SAYS

Hi Imogen,

Well no wonder you're sounding cross, it does seem very unfair that you're getting all the blame when you were both involved in this incident.

It can be really difficult to own up when you've done something wrong and I think you were very brave to do that and face your mum about it! How annoying though, that this other girl seems to have got away with it entirely..

One thing to remember though is that your mum has supported you with this by talking to the other mum ( even if that other mum then got cross! ) so it sounds as though she realises that you were both to blame in some way and that's pretty important. After all, it's better that your mum sticks by you and supports you than anything else really!

I know it's hard when you can see that someone else is "getting away with it" but it doesn't really make any difference to you what happens with her does it? After all, you can hold your head up high knowing that you were able to be honest about what went on. Next time anything like this happens and there's "trouble" at school or home then if you have got a reputation for being honest that is always going to help you in the future.

This other girl's behaviour will catch up with her in the end, it generally does, so the best thing you can do is steer clear of her!

Good luck,

Sam

I'm worried about my sister

my suster is self harming and i try and tell my social worker and she dont listen to me and it is makeing me feel very upset and now i am starting to not go to school now cause i am so scared my sister is going to kill herself

wbsn

from sarah xoxoxo

EWAN SAYS

Hi Sarah,

Well, firstly, it sounds as though you're a really caring sister! I'm sure your sister really appreciates that. But the problem is, it means you've got a load of worries too. You're quite right to be asking for some support about this - you shouldn't have to be dealing with it on your own.

But I don't want you to get too worried about your sister. All sorts of people self-harm (although it's hard to know exactly how many people do it, because it's often quite hidden), and they do it for all sorts of reasons - but the thing they have in common is that it's usually a way of coping with things. That's why it's not the same as suicide: it's a way of trying to make life bearable, not a way of trying to escape from it.

Still, though, it is important that they try to find other ways of coping with stuff. Actually, one thing that can make the most difference is just having someone around who is supportive and will listen to how they're feeling. So, it sounds as though you're probably already doing the best you can to help your sister. Other than that, just make sure that somebody knows about it (if your social worker's not too helpful, try a teacher, a doctor or even a parent!). It's great that you can be there for your sister, but it's not your responsibility to deal with all of the stress of it!

Take care, Sarah,

Ewan.